The Girl Named Sorrow
by AMessofADreamerx
Summary: Deirdre just wants one thing: to be loved. Which is hard when you're the half-human daughter of the Sidhe Elder, feared by humans and hated by faeries. Her relationship with Arthur and Merlin begins with lies and sorcery but won't end that way. But how many hearts will break and lives lost before Dee realizes that the life she's always known isn't the life she has to live?
1. Prologue

**The Girl Named Sorrow**

_PROLOGUE_

My father has always called me a mistake. Half-breed. Disappointment. Humans called me evil. Monster. Sorcerer. My people have the same view as the Elder... and I've spent my whole life apologizing for it. Apologizing for looking like a human, apologizing for having Sidhe-magic, apologizing for having a kind heart. Maybe it's my humanity that causes me to see the Sidhe's cruelness. Half of which that resides in me and it terrifies me that one day it might take over.

How was I even created? Surely my father knew the abomination he was creating when he took human form for one night and played games with some beautiful woman, resulting in me nine months later, and her dying from trying to push out something as powerful as I was, despite being a halfling. My father the Sidhe elder sent a pixie to take care of me and I grew up right outside Avalon- for not possessing the power to see it on my own and not finding enough worth from others.

Being half of anything is a tricky business. What gene will be more dominate? Will I be human-size with blue skin and a pointy face? Or will I be 12 inches tall with human-sized arms? You'd think those were the questions to be asked, but like most Sidhe, only pleasure and pretty and their own self was thought of instead.

However thankfully I wasn't weirdly deformed in any sort of way. I was given the physical appearances of my mother, or so I was told by a momentarily nostalgic Father on my birthday. Thick brown curls and bright blue eyes. And it was the greatest compliment I was ever told because my father liked pretty things and my mother had been just that.

And despite all these things... despite the anger and cruelity of my father, the fear of becoming like him, the pain from human and Sidhe alike, I want to be accepted by them. By one of them. By someone. If I do this, if I can complete what my father asks of me, if I can get the Prince of Camelot to fall in love with me, I'll get that. I'll get a husband and I'll get the approval of my father. And what's the worse that could happen?

But the more I go along with this, the more I realize it's not going to be that simple. The Prince is in love someone else, I'm falling for a manservant, my father is growing impatient, and the magic I give to the visiting King of Murira and his men to have memories of his daughter when he only has seven boys is wearing thin. Plus the lies, the deceit, the deaths... I'm losing myself, just to be loved? Will love even be worth it then?

Though perhaps I'm getting a head of myself. Perhaps I should start from the beginning. Start from when I thought the goal was to marry Prince Arthur and get approval from my father and Merlin hadn't existed and I was so naive. Let's start when I intercept King Cyrus and his guards on the way to Camelot and plant the life I wish I had into his mind.

Everything started because of me, because of my selfish wish. Everything that happens here on out is my fault. It's on me, and to live with this knowledge is the punishment I must pay.


	2. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER ONE**

My heart pounds in my chest as I crouch, hidden by the curly, thick roots of a massive tree. I cover my mouth to keep my breathing quiet as sharp nerves fight in the pit of my stomach, and I wait.

_What are you about to do, Dee? _The question whispers in my mind. _Deirdre, can you really pull this off? Can you really gain the love of your father? _

_Is it worth the cost? _

The party I'm waiting for saves me from my thoughts and I just focus- I focus on the small group of nine men travelling my way. Individually I think of them. I see the man with the pale skin, the one with the bright red hair, the one with the huge nose, the king riding in the middle dressed in bright, royal robes... I think of them all seperately in my mind and I cause them all to sleep_. _It's quiet again and I jump into action before other thoughts pour in my mind. I paint a different life and I send it to them.

I send the memories of my childhood, starting when I was born. When my hair wasn't so thick and was barely fuzz on my head. How the freckles on my face started to grow in when I was four. How my parents loved me and I was favored among my seven older brothers. How the guards saw me grow into the young women I was today, ready to be married off, and it was normal. It was normal that when I broke the sleeping spell, I was riding next to their King and he was my father.

I enjoyed writing that story a little too much, and now that part is over my eyes burn a little bit from forced back tears, from childish wishes. A dull ache began in my head as well, but Father thought my magic powerful enough to do this, so it must.

When their eyes opened, there was a small moment of confusion, but with each blink, it cleared. The King turned to me, "Deirdre?"

"Yes, Father?" I asked, with a small smile. There was no one enchant me, I suddenly thought, I was all on my own to keep my facade up.

He shook his head. "Nothing," he looked up just then, and exclaimed, "Look, my dear!" I followed his gaze to find the castle of Camelot. The pit hardened in my stomach. I couldn't fail at this.

* * *

We met them right at the steps of the castle. The pleasantries were exchanged quickly but the confusion King Uther and the Prince felt over my appearance couldn't stay off their face.

"I can't believe I missed you had a _daughter_, Cyrus!" Uther exclaimed with an embarrassed laugh. He shot Arthur a look, but the Prince was watching me. I blushed and looked away.

"Nearly twenty years ago to this day!" He replied, then added, "It truly has been a while, old friend."

I caught the eye of a dark-haired boy off to the side. He leaned in and spoke in the ear of an older man, who eyes squinted at me suspiciously at whatever the boy was saying. He noticed I was staring and straightened up. He glared at me with an intense look. I swallowed and bowed my head, before bringing my attention back to the Kings and Arthur.

"Well, nonetheless, you are welcomed here, Princess Deirdre," the King smiled warmly.

I curtsied. "Thank you, sire."

Uther turned back to my "father" and started talking to him about the feast that was being prepared. I stifled a yawn. The dull ache had grown and I was starting to feel weak.

"Princess, are you okay?" Arthur asked me, and I touched my head.

"Just a headache. It's been a long travel," I answered with a wistful smile.

King Cyrus turned to me. "Darling, are you all right?"

"I think I just need rest," I replied, a little faint.

"We could get Gaius to make you a potion," Uther suggested, gesturing to the man who seemed suspicious of me.

"That would be great, thank you," Cyrus said, watching me worriedly.

"He will have something just for that," Uther replied and gestured Gaius and the boy over. I swallowed again.

"Princess Deirdre, this is Gaius, the court physican, and Merlin, my manservant. Who undoubtfully will, if you were ever to need anything, be honored to be at your service," Arthur introduced them to me.

"My lady," Gaius bowed his head. Merlin nodded, his eyebrows creased together in thought.

"I will whip something up for you. I'll send Merlin over when I'm done," Gaius said kindly, and walked away. Merlin trailed after him.

"Arthur, why don't you walk the Princess to her room?" Uther suggested, strongly urging him with his eyes.

Arthur pursed his lips for a brief moment, before smiling, "Of course. This way, my lady."

I followed him up the stairs, a bit shakily. "Call me Deirdre, please."

He nodded once. "Did you find any trouble on your journey here?"

I shook my head. "No, not at all. However it was a long journey. I've never left the castle before!" I exclaimed excitedly. This was true. Albeit not exactly a castle... more like a hut deep in the woods, but the same feelings applied.

"Well, we're happy Camelot is your first journey. We are honored to have you as our guests," Arthur said, politely.

"As am I. Thank you," I replied with a smile.

* * *

Arthur lead me to a door and bid me farewell till dinner. I went in and shut the door. Covering my mouth in awe, I examined the room. It was huge with a massive bed against the wall and a small table in the middle. I went over and flopped on the bed. It was like laying on a cloud.

I stretched, momentarily distracted from my headache. This room was so beautiful. A soft knock came at my door.

"Come in!" I called, figuring it was Merlin. I was correct.

"Thank you for this, Merlin. I've never traveled before. It's taken a lot out of me," I told him, sliding off the bed.

"It's my pleasure, my lady," He replied to me, handing me my draft. Merlin eyed me intently, and I felt like he was looking into my soul.

"Oh, please. Call me Deirdre," I said quickly. Even though I technically was a princess... it still made me comfortable.

"It's mixed with bay leaves for the headache, some chamomile to relax you after the journey, and a lightly sprinkled with cherry juice to help you rest," Merlin informed me, ignoring what I just said.

"Thank you," I repeated, rather lamely. Why was he treating me this way? He couldn't possibly know who I am... could he? I took a sip of it and made a face.

"Yeah, I should have reminded you of the taste," He suddenly laughed lightly.

I choked it down, coughing all the way. I pressed a finger to my lips to keep it down, but it didn't take but a moment for the medicine to kick in. I suddenly felt warm and dozy. Merlin let me back to the bed and gently laid me down.0

Then he smiled, "Rest well."

* * *

_well that potion sounds quite dreadful and I truthfully have no idea about herbs and whatnot, but I googled best herbs for a headache, and those came up. just kinda like ignore that whole thing ew_

_anyways I hope you like the story so far! I just finished watching Merlin exactly one week ago from today... and I started the whole series exactly three weeks ago tomorrow! an aching started in my heart watching Arthur float away, and it hasn't stopped. so to cope with it, I became writing fanfiction in my mind like I do for any other story that made an impact on me. leave me some feedback and please let me know what you think!_

_\- Anna :)_


	3. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO**

I awoke a while later, the pain my head back down to a dull ache. I looked around and started. It was just such a shock to wake in a different room, and in the royal palace at that.

_This is a future you might have had... _the thought came unbiddingly. If I hadn't been such a disappointment. If my father hadn't been so cruel. If my mother had been a sidhe. So many ifs, but I needed to focus on what _was_. I crawled out of bed and looked out the window, and gasped again.

It was dark outside. How late was it? Was the feast still going on? Did I miss it?

"Deirdre," a voice hissed from behind me. I whirled around at my name and froze at the sight. Nonononono. Why is he here?

"Father," I finally managed. He looked none too happy.

"The word of King Cyrus' daughter is spreading fast. I was rather pleased to hear that... and then I received word she had been sleeping all day," He started.

"Father, I can explain. I don't know-" I tried, but he cut me off.

"You have such a small window of time. Do not waste it. Do not fail me, girl. The Prince needs to be in love with you before the time of Cyrus' departure," Father said sharply.

"But I don't know how long I can keep this up, this spell on the King and the guards. It makes me weak," I said in a low voice, trying to not betray my terror at his words.

"Then you better die trying, because if you fail, you will have failed me, and I will be less than kind at your return," the Elder spat at me, and without another word, he disappeared, leaving me alone in my chambers.

Suddenly my room seemed too big and cold and not beautiful anymore. It seemed so lonely.

I was so lonely.

My heart started to pound. My breath came shuddering. I couldn't be in here anymore. I fled my room and into a dimly lit hall. I slept through the feast. Oh my God, how could I do that? I grabbed my aching head and without a thought, ran blindly through the corriders. I felt like I was being chased, but from what I did not know.

I've wasted so much time. Cyrus wasn't going to stay here more than a couple of days, and I've slept away such precious time!

My feet had a mind of their own and they pounded hard against the stone floor. My lungs screamed for air but I could bring myself to complete a breath. How do I fix this? I've got to figure out how to fix this. I turned a corner and I hit something that felt like a brick wall, but was actually a man. He caught my arms before I fell back.

"Sorry," I gasped, and I tried to pull away, but he held strong.

"My lady, what is wrong?" He asked me, and I looked up at him. It was Merlin, face scrunched in concern. Tears had started to fall down my face and I hadn't even noticed yet. I felt them now, sliding fast down my cheeks. I opened my mouth to say something- though I had no idea what, when we heard the sound of footsteps from down the hall.

"Hide me," I whispered. Merlin pursed his lips, giving me a particularly hard look and I begged him with my wide eyes. _Please, please_...

Silently, he grabbed my armed and guided me around the corner I just came, and then pulled me into a dark crevice of the hall. He held me close and covered my mouth to quiet my breathing.

It was just some guards. They passed us, paying us no attention. I fell against him and his arms tightened around me, to hold me up. I've never been in an embrace before. I've never been held this close before. I closed my eyes.

I felt his steady heart against my cheek. I felt his chest rise up and down with each even breath. I tried to match my own breath to his and when I finally could I pulled away.

I just stood there, ashamed. I didn't know what to say. These panic attacks have plagued me through the years, but I always was alone, or the pixie would fix me something to calm me down. And now this servant boy who was already suspicious of me had witnessed one of my worst ones yet.

"What's wrong?" Merlin asked again, gently. He bent down to catch my eyes. I could resist looking into this trusting brown eyes before breaking away.

I brushed away my tears with my arm. "I wasn't woken for the feast. My father was mad," I admitted to him, my voice still a little shaky. A voice in the back of my mind told me to be quiet, but I was too unraveled to listen.

"He was the one who asked to leave you," He replied slowly, doubtfully. Suspicion replacing concern like a drop of a hat. I swallowed, realizing my mistake. I was going to ruin this all in my first night! My father even said he had been pleased with me. I truly mess everything up.

I shook my head. "There is so much pressure on me the next couple of days here. My father is just annoyed that I didn't get to spend time with the Prince tonight. He... he has dreams of a courtship and forming a great ally through our marriage."

"Don't tell anyone I've told you this," I suddenly put in. I know I should not have, but it felt so good to confide in someone. Even if I was only partially confiding in someone. I added, "I just feel like... I can trust you. You have a trusting face." Those big brown eyes don't hurt either.

Merlin looked away, blushing slightly. "It is my pleasure to serve you, even if it's just a listening ear."

"Thank you. I can see why the Prince is so fond of you," I said, and it's true. Father mentioned he favored his manservant, but I couldn't fathom why. Until now.

"Ah, that's where you're wrong. I'm the worst servant ever and he's made sure to tell me this everyday," Merlin laughed, his distrustful look leaving his face.

"From what I hear, where you fail as a servant, you succeed as a friend," I replied. Father mentioned this boy to me, how there was a unusual bond between the two.

The blush returned. "Is that what they say?"

I nodded. "I apologizing for burdaning you with my anxieties, Merlin. I know you were told to serve me, but I'm sure you never expected to find me as distraught as I was. That's never happened here, I'm sure. It's not very becoming," I sighed wistfully.

Merlin suddenly looked resigned, like he'd given up on something. His attitude confused me. "Don't worry, my lady, you're secret is safe with me."

My eyebrows shot up. "You won't tell anyone?"

"And please, Merlin, call me Deirdre. I don't even feel like much a princess around you anymore," I sighed again. Embarrassment had replaced the anxiety crushing my chest.

"Oh, don't belittle yourself, my lady. Trust me, I've seen some royal tantrums in my days here," Merlin said with a twinkle in his eye, causing me to laugh.

"Still. Call me Deirdre," I smiled, his laugh infectious. My hand went up to rub my temple subconsciencely, and it occurred to me that as long as I have the spell on the King, the pain would stay there.

"As you wish," Merlin told me, and then he watched as I rubbed my forehead. "Does your head still hurt you?" He asked, eyebrows knitting back to concern. I could tell he had a good heart, because even though he felt suspicious about me, he still _cared_, and it was a struggle for him.

"It's nothing, really," I tried, acting like I was smoothing my skirts down now.

"For how long has it ached?"

"It started on the trip. It's nothing, really," I repeated myself.

Merlin opened his mouth and I had a feeling he was going to suggest something from Gaius, "I suppose I should go back... wherever back is," I looked over my shoulder. I think I came from that direction. "Thank you again, Merlin," I smiled warmly at him.

I turned to walk back to my chambers when he laughed, "You're going the wrong way!"

"Oh... care to point me the right way?" I asked, turning back around.

"Follow me," Merlin said, and I did. "You managed to make your way halfway around the castle," he commented, as he turned a corrider.

A sheepish look came across my face, before lighting up in excitement as I saw a door marked 'library'. I stopped, longing to go in. Merlin heard my sudden intake of breath and looked back.

"Oh!" I exclaimed, touching the door. My heart pounded again, but for a different reason. I didn't own very many books back at my hut in the woods, nor have I read many, but it was truly my favorite thing to do. To escape reality and live in a different world for a couple of hours was undescribeable.

"This would be around the time Geoffrey's fallen asleep on his desk, a pile of books his pillow," Merlin said with a voice thick with suggestion. I looked at him, not daring to believe what he was offering.

"I will take the Lady to find a couple books for some light reading before bed," He reiterated what he was doing.

My voice broke out in a grin. "Oh Merlin, would you? I've never been in a library!"

His eyes dimmed a bit, but in my state I didn't even noticed. He pressed a finger to his lips and quietly opened the door. I followed him in. True enough, a man was sprawled in a pile of books, snoring slightly. I wanted to giggle at that, but then my eyes caught the rows and rows of books. I must have stopped breathing for a second.

I walked a couple rows back, eyes open with awe, and then I jumped as a loud clattering sound echoed the massive room.

"Who's there?" A voice called, rather thick with sleep. There was a noise of a chair scraping against the floor. The man was getting up!

"Merlin!" I whispered, bewildered. I didn't know where he went. I bent down, hoping- did Merlin say Geoffrey?- hoping he didn't see me.

"Deirdre," I heard my name, lower than a whisper. I turned around and saw Merlin. He motioned me over to him and he took off, farther into maze of shelves. He took me a section and pulled a book down. He grabbed my arm, pulling me to the shelf, and then it started to move. A secret room! How excitement lit me up faster than a torch.

"Arthur would have my head if he knew you were in here," Merlin announced, wringing his hands worriedly, but I wasn't listening as I took in the room that surrounded me.

"There is a _secret passage_! This is marvelous," I exclaimed, "Does it lead anywhere?"

There was more shelves of books, a desk, trunks, and my eyes found a dark opening, causing my heart to practically leap out of my chest.

"There!" I said, and Merlin followed my pointing finger.

"I haven't even noticed that there," He said in disbelief, face tightening.

"Can we go! Please!" I begged with too much energy, eyes searching his face for a sign of 'yes'.

But instead Merlin looked uncomfortable. "I don't..." Merlin trailed off, uncertainly. "I shouldn't have even brought you in here."

I could feel my face fell, and as quickly as it did, I tried to replace with an understanding look. "That's okay, Merlin. I understand." _I can also just come without you_. The thought came unbiddenly. I looked at the flooring, a feeling of guilt swirling in my stomach. I can't let this princess story get to my head, especially since I am so far from one.

But Merlin pursed his lips. Perhaps my thought wrote itself all over my face without my permission as well!

"You will probably just come back without me," He accused, but it wasn't in an angry tone.

I pretended to think a moment. "Yeah... yeah, probably," I answered honestly, with a shrug.

"Fine," Merlin huffed, and tredged toward the dark hall. Excitement lit my face again and with near giddiness, I trailed after him, but somehow managed to take the lead while actually in the tunnel.

There was no fire, and it got dark much more quick than I imagined it would, from the dimly lit room they were previously in. I saw nothing but black and it sent nerves through my stomach.

"Merlin?" I barely whispered, but it cut through the darkness with no barriers and echoed off every nook and cranny like it was a shout, causing me to slightly flinch.

"Behind you," he said, brushing my shoulder, and relief filled me.

"Good. Stay close," I commanded, and he did. I felt him behind me.

"We probably shouldn't be doing this," Merlin said, in a low voice, but I could tell he was trying to hide excitement as well.

"Yeah," I admitted with a smile that no one could see. I added, "I just wish there was light."

I heard Merlin mutter something, but before I could ask him to repeat himself, my shoulder bumped the wall, and it guarded us around a corner. Light seeped through a crack in a wall ahead and a sigh left me.

"I was almost regretting this decision," I admitted softly, still not liking how my voice echoed off the walls.

"But where does this lead us to?" Merlin asked, finally letting curiousity enter his voice.

"Head back, Merlin. I'll tell you in the morning," I suggested, not wanting him to get in trouble in case it lead somewhere we weren't suppose to be. Well. Where there was other people.

There was a silence. It drew out, making me uncomfortable. Had I done said something wrong? "No, I'll be fine. I've been caught doing worse," Merlin finally replied.

I nodded once, not that he could see, and crept up to the light-framed door. I tried to peek out of the cracks, but it was too bright- but not as bright as I would imagine a lit candle to look. I slowly pushed and it spinned like the one in the library.

The relief I felt in me at the sight of a full moon through a window was overpowering. I looked around the moonlit room and realized however it was a bedroom.

"This is Arthur's room," Merlin breathed in my ear, and I saw his finger put to the bed. He walked around me and looked back, pressing a finger to his lips. And then he promptly hit the corner of the table, causing it to screech loudly.

There was sudden movement in the bed and I ducked down behind a chair. I saw Merlin do the same by the table. I heard Arthur's feet hit the ground and he demanded, "Who's there?"

The moonlight filled window bursted open, startling me and King Arthur both. He held something that looked long, and most likely deadly with his skill, in his hands. Merlin tried to make a move of escape, but it was too soon. Arthur wheeled around, catching him.

"_What _are you doing?" Arthur asked, surprised to find his manservant standing there. Merlin stood there, paralyzed. "I'm _waiting_."

"I-I thought I heard something. Coming from your room," he stammered.

"What are you even still up for?" Arthur asked, tone filled with suspicious.

"A draft for Morgana. She requested it. I was on my way back from her room," Merlin lied a bit better this time, but I still couldn't breath for him.

"And you thought you could defend me? With what?"

Merlin shrugged. "I'd defend you with my last breath."

"You'd defend me... _with _your last breath?-"

"Till! Till! Till!" he tried to correct himself. I had to hold back my giggle.

"You are so _weird_. Get out!" Arthur yelled, throwing whatever that was in his hand at Merlin. He managed to dodge it and he quickly ran out. Leaving just me.

Arthur mumbled something, closed his window, and crawled back into bed. However, now alone without Merlin, I could use magic. I sent a sleeping spell over to Arthur and quickly scrurried out of the room.

Merlin was pacing just outside, and his head jerked up when I came out.

"Oh, you made it!" He exclaimed quietly. "I didn't know how I was going to get you out!"

"Of course I did. I can take care of myself, you know," I said with a smile.

"Still, let's not do that again..." Merlin replied, trailing off, then a look crossed his face. "We didn't get you a book!"

"That adventure I had with you tied me over. Thank you, Merlin. It was quite the night," I said with sincerity.

Merlin started, sounding slightly surprised, "It was my pleasure, my-" I shot him a look, "Deirdre," And then he ended it, laughing slightly, which lit up his eyes.

"However I do agree... that excitement should hold me for a while. I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest, especially in the tunnel!" I exclaimed, and then added with a giggle, "I hope I don't get you into too much trouble."

Merlin shrugged. "I'll convince him it was a dream later."

"How will you do that?" I asked, curiously.

"Sorry, that's a secret," He said with a coy smile.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine. Thanks again, Merlin. I'll see you tomorrow."

I left him and returned to my room. After pacing and replaying this whole night, I grabbed the small hand mirror on my dresser. I muttered a few words and Merlin's face appeared in my bowl as I began to scry. I shouldn't be practicing magic in the castle, I knew, and I felt awful for spying on Merlin, but I must found out what he thought of me if any of this was going to work, I decided. Especially since I broke character all tonight with him. I got caught up in emotion. The release of admitting something to someone left me a bit giddy. I'd never done that before.

When the scene formed in the mirror, I noticed Merlin first.

_He sat across Gaius at a small table. "I don't know, Gaius, I just don't know," He was saying, fingers pressed to his forehead; a way of relieving stress._

_"Perhaps you are just looking too into this?" Gaius suggested, eyeing him to see his reaction._

_Merlin shook his head and my heart dropped. "No. When I am with her, I get this feeling."_

_"And it's a bad feeling?" Gaius said, raising just one eyebrow._

_"Yes- no.. I just don't know," Merlin admitted with a massive sigh. "It's a strong feeling. She just, feels strong."_

_Gaius nodded like he understand, but his facial expression said another thing. _

_Merlin sighed heavily again. "I know, it doesn't make sense." _

_"Do you feel she is a threat to Arthur, to Camelot?" Gaius asked, trying to help him figure out his feelings about me. _

_He hesitated in his answer to Gaius. "No, I really don't. There is just something about her."_

_"You've already said that," Gaius commented, a small smile forming on his face._

_"I know..." He paused, trying to gather the right thoughts, "She can have the words of a princess, but she doesn't have the eyes. They are too sad, too broken. There are things she saw tonight that she should not have been seeing for the first time, so that leads me to believe she is lying, but Cyrus adores her. He was telling us stories of her childhood at the feast, remember?"_

_"Perhaps sorcery is involved. To plant memories into him, and his guards, would take powerful magic to even do, much less keep up. If that is the case, if Deirdre is using magic, it will come out. We must keep watch on her," Gaius said in a firm tone._

_"I... hope not. I trust her, Gaius. I felt comfortable with her and then she would say something that was off, then it was all okay because she smiled," Merlin admitted, unable to look at the older man._

_"It sounds like you might be clouded by feelings," Gaius figured out loud._

_"No, not at all-" Merlin began defensively, but Gaius just shrugged._

_"Don't rule out all possiblilies, including where she could be innocent," He replied._

_"But..." Merlin trailed off, confused by his advice._

_"I'm going to bed. Sleep well," Gaius said and then he was gone, and it was just Merlin staring thoughtfully._

I swallowed hard and broke the connection. Another night like tonight cannot happen. I cannot give into childish wishes to have friends, to have fun, even when a awkward boy like Merlin is handed to me on a silver platter. To make Arthur fall in love with me, to finally please my father is everything.

I must remember that is the true prize.

_okay so I editted this chapter because it did feel a bit OOC of Merlin at certain times, and truly didn't make any sense. I hope it's better now, and also for all you new readers, let me know!_

_\- Anna :D _


	4. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER THREE**

Today's started a great deal better than yesterday. I don't know whether it was from the fact I still felt a tad giddy from my adventure with Merlin last night, or the fact I stayed in character all through breakfast, earning an invitation from Arthur for a picnic lunch, or maybe just simply when I walked in the room this morning, Merlin smiled at the sight of me. To normally be cursed when walking into a room, a smile means everything.

However my head continued to ache, but that didn't even put a damper in my mood.

Now I sat in front of the vanity in my chambers, staring intently at myself in the mirror. These light eyes suddenly made my face look pale and my mess of curls looked like a small, furry creature. I lifted a chunk of hair up and dropped it, not having the slightest idea what to do. I ran my fingers through it to possibly smooth it out but it remained just as wild.

I groaned. How was I suppose to attract the Prince's affections if I couldn't make myself look beautiful? I didn't have much else going for me. Normally I didn't bother with the kohl around my eyes or my hair. Normally I braided my hair back and I never looked in a mirror, as I was already reminded quite often how heinous I was. Why add another way to remind me I'm worthless?

I played around with my hair for quite a while with no avail. The strands of hair kept slipping through my fingers or once I was finally able to pull it back, it was too lose, and slid out. I momentarily considered giving up on this whole thing and running away from the Sidhe—maybe I could find a nice Druid family to take me in? They have always been known as kind people…

And it was then there was a knock on my door and a beautiful, dark-skinned women entered the room. Her hair was pinned up nicely, with a few strands falling out from working, and she had a pleasant smile on her face.

"Hello, my lady. I have come to change your linen, please pardon my interruption," She bowed slightly, a basket full of clothe in her arms.

"Oh, thank you," I said immediately in response, and a slight look of surprise passed over her face.

"It's my pleasure, my lady," the maidservant replied, bowing her head this time. She made her way over to my bed and began pulling off the sheets.

"Please, call me Deirdre," I corrected gently, "What's your name?" I added with a question. I bit my lip, thinking. If she can do that to her hair, perhaps she could do it to mine? Would it be rude of me to ask? Then a cold realization came over me: I could ask whatever I like. Rather than just having the title of a princess, I was _actually _one. I ask for whatever I liked, and I got it, no questions asked.

Another look of surprised crossed her face as she glanced back. "Deirdre, my name is Guinevere. You may call me Gwen if you please," She answered me as she replaced the old linens with new ones.

"May I ask you a favor?" I asked hesitantly, sucking in my lip in nerves. Even with the mindset of a princess, how could I ask someone to do this for me?

"Of course, Lady Deirdre," Gwen replied, turning back to me to see what I wanted.

I let out a breath, "So, my maidservant has always done my hair," I began with a lie, "And I've found my fingers truly don't know how to do much more than a simple braid, and I would very much like to impress the Prince today. I noticed how pretty your hair was and I was wondering if you could possibly do the same," I finally finished, watching her reaction, and to my surprise, her face lit up with excitement.

"Of course! I am always doing Lady Morgana's hair. I would be honored," She exclaimed as she placed the basket by my bed. Gwen approached me and eyed the supplies I had laying out on the counter—some ribbon and a few pins.

She grabbed my brush and told me to look straight ahead.

Gwen's slender fingers did wonders with my hair and in no time it was pinned back into a loose bun with a few strands framing my face, and the front pulled back like a crown around my head. She even brought me some light colored powder to put on my eyelids, and a darker color to define them more. Slight lines of kohl surrounded my eyes, causing the blue to be bright, and red blush was added to my cheeks to give my pale skin life.

I thought I could possibly make myself _look_ beautiful, but I never thought I could actually _feel_ beautiful, and I surely did in this moment.

"Oh my goodness, Gwen… thank you so much! It is… it is perfect," I told her in awe. I put a hand to my cheek and watched as the mirror-me did the same. Maybe I could do this after all. I finally look the part, at least.

"It was my pleasure. You look truly beautiful," Gwen replied with a bright smile that suddenly turned thoughtful. She added, "You didn't need all of this on your face for Arthur to fall for you. He is good at seeing what's underneath as well, and it will be your sweet soul that he will fall in love with. Just be yourself."

I paused before replying, because I truly didn't know what to say. "Thank you, Gwen," I said with too much emotion, and I had to turn away to hide the tears that burned my eyes.

Gwen suddenly exclaimed, "Oh look, Arthur is all ready for you." I turned to see her looking out the window. I walked over and stood beside her.

In the courtyard, three horses stood prepared, and Merlin was strapping a wicker basket to one of them. Arthur stood a little ways off with his head tilted, looking at the manservant with dubious look on his face.

"Oh, what has Merlin done now," Gwen laughed softly, before saying, "Anyways. Your lunch awaits! Good luck with wooing the Prince."

* * *

"You look stunning," Arthur complimented as I walked towards with. The pieces of hair that fell out swayed in the slight breeze, and I looked down, blushing.

"Thank you, sire," I muttered, still unable to look at him. I felt Merlin's eyes on me as well and the blush turned into embarrassment as the first part of our night played across my mind.

"Call me Arthur," He said, and my eyes snapped up to him, trying to avoid catching Merlin's.

"Thank you for inviting me. It's such a gorgeous day out," I commented, trying to seem like I knew how to make conversation, but I was grasping at thin air.

"Truly it is. Shall we?" Arthur asked, motioning to a chestnut gelding.

"We shall," I grinned, and pulled myself up. Arthur and Merlin followed suit, the latter trailing behind us. The sun warmed my skin and I looked up to the clear sky. It almost felt… wrong to be enjoying myself right now. But Father would be okay with it, because it strengthened the act. He would be happy with the progress.

"I hope you have rested enough from your long travel yesterday. I was sorry to hear you were feeling ill last night," the Prince said. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Merlin perk up, awaiting my answer.

"Yes, I have, Arthur. Thanks for asking," I smiled at him, though the movement sent a shot of pain through my head. I resisted the urge to massage my forehead, as the pressure was the only thing to relieve it momentarily.

We traveled a short distance, as Arthur and I prattled on with petty conversation. Merlin stayed quiet behind us, seeming content to just listen. Perhaps he was waiting for me to slip up… I must always be on my guard with him.

Finally, Arthur whoa-ed his horse in front of a shallow stream, and Merlin quickly went to unfold a blanket on the grassy bank. He began to unpack our lunch as I gazed around the clearing.

"This is so peaceful," I murmured. Anxiety began rolling off my back as I started to relax. I could do this.

"That it is. I come here to think more times than not," He replied before gesturing for me to sit.

"I can see why," I said as I settled down on the edge of the blanket.

Arthur joined me. "So, what do you think of Camelot so far?"

"Camelot is spectacular, Arthur. I'm very impressed with the architecture of the building—my room is beautiful! And all the servants seem to genuinely like their job. Gwen and Merlin have been nothing but sweet to me, and Gwen was the one to actually do my hair!" I answered excitedly.

"Oh, you've met Guinevere…" A troubled looked crossed his face before he shook it off with a smile, "She is one of the best we have. Merlin, on the other hand, is the worst servant I have ever seen."

"Hey!" That said servant cried in defense, speaking for the first time during this picnic.

"No way!" I replied in disbelief. He always seemed to be doing his job to me!

"Oh, yes, Deirdre. He is an odd one too! I often find him doing… interesting things, and poor him, has a weak heart. First to run in the sight of danger," Arthur continued on.

"I do not!" Merlin said indignantly. "Deirdre, really, I do not," He added, turning to face me.

"Then how come when we're under attack, you're never around, Merlin?" the Prince asked him with an eyebrow raised.

"You're just not paying attention. I've saved you _loads_ of time," He answered forcefully, but Arthur just snorted. A slight smile formed on my face; their banter was rather endearing.

"Atleast he's interesting, is he not? My maidservant is unexciting and has her face scrunched up like a frog all the time. Sounds like one too…" I said, laughing slightly, and they chuckled. I've never been able to say that about the pixie that raised me, however much true it was.

"Merlin's definitely not boring, that's for sure," Arthur replied, and his friend grinned, taking that as a compliment.

He added, "Well, I'm famished. I had the cook prepare us the finest lunch this afternoon," as he began unpacking the basket filled with food.

Goodness, Arthur was correct! What a selection. There was dried beef, fresh baked bread, and a variation of fruit among other things.

I've never seen anything like it.

* * *

_Father will be pleased with the progress today, I know it_, I thought to myself as Arthur yet again teased Merlin about something. The sun has worked it's way around the sky and was beginning to hide itself over the mountains, causing the blue sky turn colors of pink and orange and gold. I laid on my back watching the sky change, thinking of the past afternoon, and the laughter and smiles and acting like I never thought I could be.

The only thing that was weighing on me was my head. The longer the day went on, the more heavier my pain got. For the most part, I could hide it, but it's what has brought me to silence as the boys banter back and forth.

Finally Merlin took notice. "Deirdre, are you okay?" He asked, eyebrows knitting together in concern.

"Hmm? Yes, of course," I said quietly, but there was no denying the lie in my voice then. I felt like my brain was replaced by a brick and I could barely keep it up. Merlin crawled over to me and looked with a purpose at my dazed eyes and gently touched my forehead with the back of his hand.

"Arthur, we need to get her back," The servant announced with an edge of urgency in his voice.

"No, no, I am fine. Don't worry about me, please," I tried weakly, but then my brain turned from a brick to fire, and I let out a cry, grabbing my head in my hands.

"Deirdre!" Arthur exclaimed, close to my face now as well. "Merlin," he commanded him with a single word, but the boy knew what to do.

I felt arms close around me and lift me up. I went limp in them as my vision began to fade and darkness took over.

And then I knew no more.

* * *

if you thought I was never going to update this again... that makes both of us! I lost feeling for this for a bit and was focusing on Anywhere, and now things have been reversed. hopefully now that I have gotten this out of the way, I can return to that one now. please let me know what you think! thanks for all the reviews and follows and all! xx Anna :)


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